Some Assembly Required

In an effort to make our spare bedroom a little nicer, Katharine and I went out and bought a new bookshelf unit from Crate and Barrel this afternoon. Originally I was going to order it online, but a Crate and Barrel store nearby actually had it in stock (which is more than I can say for Best Buy and TiVO). I wouldn't have to pay the ridiculous $50 in shipping costs. We went and picked up this Puzzle Bookcase ourselves. OK...really...Katharine picked it up and I did what I've been doing ever since I injured whatever abdominal muscle, tendon, or joint that I injured several months ago...which was feel utterly useless as she loaded the car. Anyway...back to the story.

So, we're making our spare bedroom nicer...well...again...it's not much of a spare BEDROOM, because there's no spare bed. It's more of a home office with a futon frame. We won't discuss what happened to the mattress. We bring home the puzzle bookcase, which says that some assemby is required. It comes in 3 boxes which contain the left side, the right side, and the two connector sides, which are actually not sides, but middles. SOME assembly required. Here's the assembly:

Does that look like SOME assemby required? The bag of parts alone was about 5 pounds...that doesn't sound like a lot, but when I say parts...I mean screws, plastic caps and dowel thingys. Oh...and cams, which are the most annoying pieces of hardward to date. Those tiny metal things that actually lock themselves to other screw heads. Hate them. There's always one that doesn't lock on quite right. So this took pretty much all afternoon...into the evening...and then we had to put all the books back. There are a lot...even though I don't read. Well...I CAN read...just slow. The result of all my bitching and Katharine's lifting:

Twas the Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, we spent the day out
Service was crappy, without a doubt
We went out for lunch, which was more of a brunch
I ordered pancakes and coffee and sausage link
Katharine ordered some lunch thing along with a Coke to drink
The waiter came back...brought Katharine a tea, brought a coffee but forgot cream for me.
The sausage was cold, the Coke finally came...the tip was smaller because service was lame.

Out to dinner we went, later that night
To Bertuccis where the price would be just right
We walked into the place, got seated right away
In a section where service would be bad the second time today
The hostess took our order, the waitress walked by
She said she was sorry, each time we knew why
We waited and waited for bread and some oil
The food finally came, but it was too late to stop the turmoil
The check came quickly, we left in a flash
After leaving a smaller tip, a little less cash

To a comedy show we went, the show was pretty good
Again...the service didn't put us in a good mood
A two drink minimum on top of the cover stinks
do you leave a tip when they force you to buy drinks?
You do if the service is any good at all
Apprently nobody wanted to be working at all
Did I charge you for those drinks, she asked, after I paid
You did, I responded and...and...and I pocketed the extra dollar we were going to give her because she was kind of bitchy about it. Yes...I had to withhold another tip. Damn it...I usually give 20+ percent, but aren't tips supposed to be earned? Now, I can imagine that nobody wants to be working the day after Christmas...first day of Hannukah (or however you spell it), but if you're going to be there anyway...wouldn't you be nice to get a worthwhile tip? I would...but that's just me.

Merry HOLIDAY?

OK, I understand the need for political correctness in many cases, but now it's gotten a little out of hand. Although I don't consider myself to have religion (don't gasp...I'll be OK), I went ahead and did a Christmas strip last week. Even though much of my family is Jewish, I dared to not address all the other holidays celebrated this season because I had an idea for a Christmas story complete with Santa Claus. I just heard on the news that schools are having holiday celebrations now and EXCLUDING Christmas...but INCLUDING every other holiday. Come on...are we fucking serious??? We have nothing better to do in this country but complain because you wished me a Merry Christmas, but you forgot that you should be wishing me a Happy Hannu...Chanu...I don't even know how to spell it. You were trying to be nice...and I for one, appreciate it. Rewording Christmas songs and singing, "We wish you a merry holiday" and "Twas the Night Before Holiday" seems asinine to me. Maybe I'm wrong...I don't have religion after all.

P.S. My holiday movie, Alfred, Unibrow, and the Big Headed Boy 3...in case you haven't seen it...covers all the holidays I am aware of...watch it today...it's Christmas Eve! Nothing like being a publicity whore and plugging my own movie.

I Want a Rerun for Christmas Charlie Brown

What the fuck is this crap? Growing up...I couldn't wait for all the holiday classics...Rudolph...Frosty...The Grinch...A Charlie Brown Christmas. But I was horrified when we turned on the TV the other night and there was good old Charlie Brown...but this time something was different. He wasn't pining away for the Little Red Haired Girl. He wasn't doing much of anything actually. There was this other character...a new character if that's possible...or just one I've never heard of before. His name was Rerun. Rerun, apparently is Lucy and Linus's annoying little bastard brother. His name was Rerun...I know...stupid. And that's all he did was repeat (or RERUN) the same thing throught the whole show, "I want a dog for Christmas"..."Can your dog come out and play with me Charlie Brown"? It was stupid...stupid...stupid. Can't they just leave the classics alone?! It's like Disney making a sequel to Cinderella and Bambi...it isn't necessary! But they do it...they beat a good thing into the ground until it's pasty and mushy awful. Just once...can't they create something good and not ruin it? I'm still waiting for E.T. 2...you know it's coming and you know it's going to suck.

The Carver

With TiVO as popular as it is...even though my particular luck with the actual hardware has been bad...I'm hesitant to talk about last night's episode of Nip/Tuck...don't want to ruin anyone's surprise by revealing the identity of The Carver (if indeed you are surprised). Not who I wanted it to be...but then again...I didn't expect the crazy twist it took after the reveal. I'll just say that it was amazing suspense in the last half hour of the two hour finale....I was up for hours afterwards...all tense as one should be watching simultaneous torture scenes...maybe it's bad that it was on until midnight...so sleepy now. More suspense than the original SAW movie (I haven't seen the SAW II yet...Katharine went without me, but I'm not bitter :-P) Great storytelling (Nip/Tuck that is)...kudos to the writers for pulling it off. Careful reading comments...I think it's OK to reveal the person behind the mask there...if you want to know right now...check out the My Space they've set up (www.myspace.com/thecarver). Maybe nobody cares! It doesn't matter...I just wanted to post this creepy picture.

Without Make-Up

by Katharine

I'm sitting here watching QVC and there's a woman on hawking her cosmetics "Models Prefer Color Cosmetics". And the saleswoman is starting the program with no make-up on. As time passes, she shows the products by using them on her face. It's rather interesting to see just how much make-up she is shellacking on. First is the primer, next is foundation, cover-up, primer for eye shadow.. shadow... and okay, she's on the shadow right now and showing us how to use this kit that she's selling. Now I realize that as a HUGE make-up whore I have no right to bitch about how much product she's putting on... but still. That's a lot of layers! And I have to wonder.. does her husband feel cheated that she looks so completely different with make-up off? Does he ever get scared? I just asked Jeff if a guy would be freaked out by such a dramatic change.. and he just kind of shrugged. I guess wearing lots and lots of make-up doesn't matter to guys! Hmmm... I need to start layering on some more! What's with this trying to make it look natural crap! If I wanted to look natural, I wouldn't wear it!!! :-)

It's My Party...Eh...Her Party

Last night we attended Katharine's holiday party and fun was had by all. Before we left...Katharine and I had a conversation about her shoes...should she, or shouldn't she wear three inch heals? Besides the fact that I thought it might dwarf me (not that there's anything wrong with dwarfs) ...and I thought people would only think of Tom and Katie when they saw us standing next to each other...she went with the three inch heals. They were the only shoes that made sense with the dress to be fair and really...it wasn't about me...

The result of that decision:

It's cold...it's well after midnight and we're walking down a sidewalk that wasn't exactly clean, yet free of debris in the middle of Boston...somewhere between the Boston Public Library and the Prudential Tower (if you happen to know the area) ...and off came the shoes with 2 blocks left to go!

Katharine - The Rebuttal:

Okay, let's be fair here. The shoes are damn cute, and I had rationalized that since it was a *wedge* heel, that 3 inches would be just dandy. See how fabulous they are? But after 4+ hours of mingling, drinking, and dancing... I was in serious pain. I would have cheerfully cut off my feet at the ankles. Since that had bad long-term consequences, and Jeff wasn't jumping for joy at that thought of giving me a piggyback ride... the shoes came off. No harm, no foul! And I still think they were really darling shoes! I'll probably wear them again! :-)

There's No Jelly in Jellybeans

What's IN a jellybean? I have the ingredients in front of me...and JELLY is not an ingredient. Lots of starches and juices and sugar...tons of sugar. Did you know that there is CAFFEINE in jellybeans???? I didn't know this until RIGHT NOW! No wonder they're so damn addictive. Oh yes, they're addictive! You know how I know that they're addictive? I'll show you. This is a 4 lb. container of jellybeans...I've only had it in my office for a few weeks and look at it.


Three weeks ago, this was FULL! And now...it's nothing...pretty empty. Actually as I sat here typing...I pretty much polished off the rest. I had help, I assure you...if you helped finish off this container...you know who you are...and now you know why you were so damn awake afterwards. CAFFEINE! There should be a warning label on jellybeans damn it. But now they're gone...no more jelly-less beans. That makes me sad. I must make another run to Costco!

Think Again

I hate it when I'm expected to think. Seriously...about anything...especially those crazy puzzles that are almost impossible to solve. Don't know what I'm talking about? Well, I would never ask you to think about it...I'm talking about this type of puzzle:


The type of puzzles that geniuses enjoy...or autistic people...maybe. I hate them...the puzzles, not necessarily the people...but that doesn't mean I didn't give each one of these puzzles my undivided attention for an hour or more. Now, I did solve all of them following much frustration and mocking from friends and co-workers, but the real question is...if you don't put them back together after you get them apart...have you truly SOLVED the puzzle? I'll leave that to all of you to decide.

Dancing with Mr. Brownstone

Big bands, bad hair, booze, and barely covered breasts...that pretty much sums up our Saturday evening. Katharine and I went to The Paradise Lounge in Boston to see the Guns N Roses coverband Mr. Brownstone. We were AS entertained by the people around us as we were by the show we paid good money to see (and by we in this case, I mean Katharine). We got there at 830pm...advertised show time was 9pm. We were 2 of about 10 people in the club at 830...3 guys...they had the hair...they had the band guy t-shirts...and they had large black X's on their hands. They were over 18, but under 21. That would make them about...hmmm...I don't know...maybe 2 years old when Guns N Roses was popular. They probably think that the cover band is the ACTUAL band. More people arrived...time ticked past 10pm...the opening band took the stage. They sucked ass. It was 11pm before Mr. Brownstone arrived to play for us. The crowd had grown. Katharine pointed out the girl to my left who was pouring out of her tiny white top. She also pointed out the couple in the crowd...the girl was wearing an off the shoulder...off BOTH shoulders...shirt. The guy was rubbing her back, while trying to pull the top down at the same time so he could get a glimpse of her goodies. She was drunk...she didn't care. "Can you pass me the scissors so I can make myself a skirt"? That must be what this next girl was asking her friends prior to leaving for the show.

Maybe cutoff skirts are popular now...maybe I'm too old to know this. One guy had so much to drink...he tipped over like a tree in a forest being cleared...fell backwards into the people next to us. And if that wasn't enough...there was the dancing girl...if you want to call it that. Katharine saw this girl in the bathroom and she was trashed...drunk is not a good enough word to describe her...trashed. She was dancing...OK...it was more like having a seizure...but I think she was trying to dance. Double fisting two more beers because she wasn't drunk enough. I looked at Katharine..."she's going to fall"...and she did...but not before she grabbed at her chest as if she were going to rip open her shirt...but fell before she could follow through. Fell into me...I didn't catch her...bump. I guess that's what alcohol does to some people. She's going to feel that in the morning. There were many others...the girl in the plastic pants...the asshole bartender who just stared at you when it was your turn to order. The entertainment was endless and Mr Brownstone was great. They didn't take themselves too seriously with their Guns N Roses "costumes" on...their vocals were near perfect. The people in the crowd...even more perfect for a full evening of entertainment.

Stress, Lies, and Videogames

It's a stress reliever. That's the lie. The lie I tell myself every time I load my game up on the computer. Someone told me that I need to find a really good relaxation technique to help with muscle aches and tension I seem to have. I'm always...ok, usually...in a good mood...a happy guy...but apparently that's not enough. "I play videogames," I said. "That relaxes me". But DOES IT? If that's true...why did I need a heating pad on the left shoulder following my last round of multiplayer online action? Why did my chest muscle spasm if I was SO relaxed? I'm serious...this actually happened. But how is this possible? I was having fun. The answer...stress can come from something good just as easily as something bad. Fuck. That's just great. But it's true. Think about it. The holidays. Vacations. Planning a wedding. Getting a new dog. Buying a house. Those are all good things. Great things. The most stressful things you can do. And now there's videogames too. Sure, bad things are bad...and stressful. But good things are worse because you don't even know that they're stressful. Good stress is sneaky.

Ghost in the Toilet...or Something

It wasn't enough to be sick off and on all last week...this weekend...again yesterday. Nope...that would have been too easy. Stay home...kick back...nap a bit. That's what you should do when you're sick. Not me. Yesterday, I was home...sick day. But let me go back a half day to Sunday afternoon. That's when it happened. My toilet randomly stopped flushing. Whatever...it happenes on occasion, right? Plunge, plunge, plung...flush...SWOOSH...splash...overflow. SHIT! Well...not really...that's me swearing. This was just water splashing on the floor. Empty water with bucket. Repeat. Maybe my plunger sucks...off to my least favorite place on the planet...Home Depot. Picked up a new plunger (cha ching, $5.99)...went home...plunge, plunge, plunge...SPLASH. ick. Back to Home Depot...picked up a Toilet Auger (which I never heard of before Sunday) and this crazy powerful CO2 cannister high pressure thing that I've learned since you shouldn't use (cha ching, $52.00). One of those two things cleared the drain...not without shooting water into the air...and lasted about 6 hours.

Fast forward to Monday morning. Still sick...sicker in fact than Sunday night. Guess what doesn't work again?! Good thing I'm staying home to "relax"...got to call a plumber. So I do...he's coming after lunch. Apparently in plumber language...after lunch is 5pm...WTF?! So they come...they "auger" the thing...it clears...it still only flushes 8 out of 10 times (cha ching, $95 for drain clearing). Somehow, I can't live with that. "You need a new toilet," I'm informed. Oh...here we go. Off to Home Depot AGAIN to buy a toilet...which this guy has generously offered to install on his own time...cheap (cha ching, $150). OK...if I don't do that...I've got no toilet for another night while I wait to setup another appointment with the guy who kept me waiting all day...without a toilet I remind you. SO...I agree...we shake on it...i go to Home Depot for a new toilet (cha ching, $180)...he comes back later and all is good for a grand total of $482.99. Heh...nothing you can do about it...gotta go, gotta go.

And it's gorgeous!

by Katharine

And might I add... the dress is GORGEOUS! You need to get the full picture of the saleswoman running around telling me I look "va va va voom" and "it's cheaper dress because it's more expensive and you get more money off" and "you look like a size zero". It was hysterical! HA! Jeff and my father were both cracking up! Priceless. Of course now that I've ordered it I need to wait till March to get it. WTF??? Not sure why it takes so long but you know as soon as it comes in I'm going to be wearing it for the most inane reasons. Going grocery shopping, Family Breakfast, dinner at the Summer Shack. ANY excuse for me to change and I'm going to be putting that baby on. OH YEAH!!!!

That's Right...I've Seen It

Everyone is horrified...they're horrified when we tell them that I went with Katharine to pick out her wedding dress. "You're not supposed to see the dress!" they tell me. Yeah...OK. Come on now...do we really believe in superstition? If it's not superstition, what is it? Well, I've seen it folks...and it's 2005. Do you know WHY people started saying it was bad luck? I do...I looked it up in the interest of knowing why.

In the days when arranged marriages were common...which isn't now for most people in the United States...the groom wasn't supposed to see the bride at all...never mind the wedding dress...in case he thought she was hideous and didn't want to be married to her...and this could cause WARS between tribes. OK...this has been severely skewed since those days...now they just say it's bad luck...BAH...boy have times changed. And you've learned something today.