What Happens at a Bachelor Party Stays at a Bachelor Party

I'll bet you want to know it all don't you? Well you're not going to know it all...there's too much to tell. There are rules you must follow in order to survive a bachelor party and the first one is...no cameras. Shit...I broke that rule at least during the first 4 hours of the 11 hour event. It's true...11 hours long from 2pm through a little after 1am. Throughout the night I encountered people with very little personality in slightly uncomfortable situations, lost a bunch of money, traveled great distances, and had a great time with friends and family...see Dan...I told you I'd write all about it...how could I not? Here's a little peek at some of the festivities!

What did you THINK there would be pictures of here? Hmmm?

Eye See You

No shit...this really is a picture of my eye...

Entertainment By Any Other Name

When I was young...er, I never missed an episode of Saturday morning World Wrestling Federation action. Almost 20 years later {shutter}, I find myself watching a similar program...it even has some of the same faces about 20 years older...thinning hairlines, expanded waistlines...they move a little slower, but now it's called World Wrestling Entertainment thanks to a lawsuit filed by the World Wildlife Federation over ownership of the acronym WWF. Some of my favorites are still around, but now they're LEGENDS or IMMORTAL or UNBEATABLE...until someone beats them. Some of them just show up in some random matches as nobodys with different names. Why exactly am I watching this? It's fun to watch...it's more entertainment than sport...there's even "entertainment" in the name. You should try it...watching people beat on other people beats beating on other people yourself...legally anyway.

Even Choosy Dogs Choose JIF

Population Control?

Consider this...you're driving down the street and you come upon a crosswalk. There are pedestrians at the crosswalk but it's not one of those crosswalks where you're just supposed to stop. It's a crosswalk with a WALK/DO NOT WALK light. Well, it doesn't actually say that anymore...it's a bright white glowy hand and a bright orange glowy hand...flashing at you. BLINK, BLINK, BLINK. Sometimes it's followed by a countdown. 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1...i call this the "how quickly can you cross the street before you get squished" timer.

Anyway...it's your desire to take a right turn and you get a green light. To make your right turn, you need to cross over a crosswalk but to your surprise, the pedestrians also have a walk light. So you both go. It's obvious who is going to win here, but who the hell was drunk when they programmed the lights? How does this make sense to anyone?? Is this a cruel form of population control or plain old simple stupidity.

Along those same lines...what's up with people that wave you on as if to let you pull out of a parking lot in front of them...and then they continue to move forward as if they're going to plow into you? And then they get mad when you don't go. Screw them.

Safety Tip #1: Grippy Gloves

Never wear grippy gloves when you use a drill with a super long bit. I was drilling a hole through my house earlier...i think the wood they used to build my house is petrified wood because it took FOREVER. I had some of those really good grippy gloves on...the kind you use when you don't want to drop tools you're working with. Well...the really long drill bit grabbed hold of the grippy and tried to snap my finger in half. True story...my finger feels pretty bruised right now, but at least it's in one piece. Stupid grippy glove.

A Quick Trip to the Mall

Earlier this evening, we took a quick trip to the mall for a birthday gift for my neice and when we got there, the mall was under construction. And it's not just any construction...it's completely disruptive construction...the kind that requires detour signs in the mall parking lot. We had to drive all the way around the mall to get where we needed to be...because apparently we're too lazy to walk ACROSS the mall. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about.

Have you ever been so completely annoyed with mall security that you wanted to do something to find out exactly what they can do about it? Basically, have you ever wanted to mock mall security? What are they going to do...throw you in MALL JAIL (thanks Katharine)? We were trying to drive around the mall and the security car was in front of us with his stupid yellow flashy light on...driving SO slow that we SHOULD have walked across the mall...it would have been faster. I was going to pass him...in the parking lot but I didn't want to get a MALL TICKET. This guy rolled along the front of the mall...up to a stop sign...turned on his directional signal (or blinker for those of us in Massachusetts)...looked both ways even though nobody was around (yes we're still in the parking lot)...and finally, finally, turned right. And then repeated this...two more times! Holy shit...call me impatient, but some of us have places to be!

Carrot Cake the Size of My Head

When most people go to The Cheesecake Factory, they get cheesecake. That's the point of The Cheesecake Factory...for them. When I go to The Cheesecake Factory, I always get the carrot cake. It's not just ANY carrot cake...it's "Deliciously Moist Layers of Carrot Cake and Our Famous Cream Cheese Icing"...this is how it's written in the menu, all in title case. It has to be the best carrot cake ever and it's HUGE! It's 3 times the size of any regular slice of cheesecake...I can only eat a third of it. And after stuffing myself with carrot cake following a big meal of "Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp: A Spicy Thai Dish with the Flavors of Curry, Peanut, Chile and Coconut. Sauteed with Vegetables and Served over Rice"...I felt the need to bring the rest of the carrot cake home with me. Good thing I forgot to put it in the fridge or I'd be feeling sick again tonight...but it's a good kind of sick. What's YOUR favorite dessert?

Illiteracy Runs Rampant

So...I'm at Dunkin Donuts this morning for my morning pick-me-up and I'm waiting in line. This super genius in front of me orders a couple of coffees...some donuts for himself...a Happy Meal for his kid. So far so good right? Then he hands the cashier a credit card, which normally is OK, except today there's a big fucking sign on all 4 registers that says, in big black letters: "Credit machine is not working, CASH ONLY". Idiot reached OVER the sign to hand them his credit card.

CASHIER: The credit machine is broken. {shakes sign at him}.

IDIOT: Yeah, I know but I don't have the cash.

CASHIER: OK, but the credit machine is down. I can't run a credit.

IDIOT: Yeah, but I'm here every day {and my kid will have a hissy fit if he can't eat his jelly donut now}

CASHIER: Sir, you can go to the ATM down the street...

IDIOT: Yeah, but then I have to put my son in his car seat, drive down the road

ME {in my own head}: Nobody gives a fuck sir...the machine is down...get the fuck out of my way so I can get my stupid iced coffee and a donut!!!

IDIOT: Just give me an IOU...I'm here all the time

CASHIER: Fine...just go {fucking idiot}

Did I mention it's going to be over 100 degrees today. Sorry for dropping all the F-bombs on you so early in the morning but stupid people tend to affect my mood like that.